Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
