Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
