This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize