so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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