There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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