I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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