I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize