i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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