So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
