She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
