So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
