dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
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A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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