Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
