you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
