Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
