she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
