Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
