Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
