im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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