I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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