the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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