I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
