did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
