It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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