He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
