I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
