dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
