new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
