yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
