Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
