it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
