we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
