Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She even gives head with a lisp.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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