just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
