i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
