There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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