it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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