she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
