He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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