The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
