his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
