maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
