On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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