I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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