Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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