when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..