In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and you said cock pushups were impossible
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
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I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.