Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize