some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.