just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
