Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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