and next time when you feel me up, do it right
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...