I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.