I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
