i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
