but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
