Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
