I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
