and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
