hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
