dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
