and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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