i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
