there's paper in my vomit.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
