Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
